Between Two Lungs
by fuyuhiko
Summary: Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? T for depression and suicide. AU


If you're here to read about a girl with a tragic life, during which countless hardships were thrown at her, with mental and maybe even physical abuse being the prime factor resulting in negativity which invades her mind, then you've come to the wrong place. I don't have some sob story, or anything, really, which could live up to the standards that you're probably looking for.

After all, I am not a broken girl of glass.

I am a girl of stone, beautifully crafted rock that can take blow after blow from the world and still stand sturdy.

It's because of this fact that I never gave up when I was younger. I never let myself get pushed around and walked across just because I was a shy child. I stood up for myself and for others, while simultaneously countering their harsh words with humor. This made them realize that I wasn't such a bad person, and all bullying (although there was not much to begin with) stopped completely. I even made a few friends, but our relationships didn't last long. We didn't fight or anything, if that's what you're thinking. No, our terminated friendships weren't drama-induced in the slightest; we simply... grew apart. It's a natural thing, really.

For the next few years, I was more or less alone. I could manage to have small talk with those around me, and when I was paired up with others for class projects, our silences weren't uncomfortable or nervous. I was on good terms with everyone, but I couldn't really call any of them my friend. I felt that there was a considerable emotional distance between me and everyone else, which divided us and kept our relationship at arm's length.

I didn't mind much, though. After all, it was around this time that the negative thoughts began popping up. These thoughts prevented me from wanting to get much closer to the other kids. They were thoughts that made me get a bit more reserved around my classmates. Thoughts like _"They're just pretending to like you"_ were most prominent, but were accompanied by "_You're annoying them to death_", _"They like that other person more than they like you",_ and sometimes, "_They're out to get you", "They're going to hurt you". _

I ignored these thoughts, for the most part, but of course, they had their impact on me. I stopped trusting everyone as much, and though I made sure that I continued to act normally, I was terrified. Nobody noticed, though. It saddened me to force myself to not get too close to any of these people who I would have liked to call friends. But this was better than becoming their friend, only to get heartbroken, right?

Even so, I was okay with the way things were.

Because I had a friend of my own.

My parents worked until five in the afternoon, and school ended at three, so I had to stay at school for two extra hours after classes ended. For the first few years after I started school, I had to stay alone, or with a teacher, doing homework in a classroom. But by the time I graduated to middle school, they decided I was responsible enough to go outside and work alone instead. I took the opportunity and hurried out to the bench under a tree every day after school. Rather than working, most of the time, I hummed and sang.

One day, however, a boy I had never seen before sat next to me. He was around my age, with spiky brown locks and skin slightly paler than mine. I guess I should have noticed his striking blue eyes, but what really struck me was the look on his face. His smile, so carefree yet gentle, so goofy yet peaceful. I couldn't even bring myself to question the sincerity of this boy's smile. It was more honest and genuine than anything I'd seen on a human face before.

"You aren't lonely out here?" he skipped the greetings and formalities that typically come first when meeting a new person. This minor detail immediately peaked my interest.

I shook my head. The boy hummed a single note to acknowledge that he heard me. "You're Kairi, right? I've seen you around." I nodded. "C'mon, I know you've got a voice. I..." he turned away slightly, as if embarrassed. "...I heard you singing. I heard you the other day too, and I was going to try talking to you, but... I chickened out, heh. Sorry."

I smiled warily. I was already extremely suspicious of the boy. "So, you've been stalking me."

"What? No! No way!" he held up his hands as if offended. "I swear, yesterday was the first time I had heard you. I didn't stick around long. Come on, can't you trust me?" he clasped his hands together pleadingly, in an almost comical manner. Something about this boy struck me as truthful. Trustworthy. I relaxed and let out a small giggle.

"Fine, fine. Sorry about that, I was just... nervous. I've never seen you around school, so... I don't really know who you are."

The boy looked a bit sad, but he smiled anyway. "Oh. I guess that would make sense. People like you don't usually notice people like me." I wondered what he meant by that, by stayed silent. "I'm Sora. I'm in the same grade as you, but we don't have any classes together. Tough luck, I guess."

I nodded. "Yeah, guess so. You seem different from the others in my classes."

"Really? How?"

"You seem, er... smarter."

"Heh, that's just because I spend most of my alone time writing. It's taught me stuff, I guess. People usually tell me that the way I speak is mature for a fourth grader, but... I don't see it. I'm still just a kid."

"People tell me that a lot, too. I don't write, but I read."

"A bookworm, huh? What's your favorite book?"

"Um... The Hunger Games, I think."

"I've heard of it. Never been a big reader though, so I'll just wait for the movie, I think."

I smiled. "The movie is never as good as the original, you know."

"I know, but.. something about seeing the emotions the characters are feeling instead of just reading them makes it better to me."

I thought about this for a second, then nodded. We stayed in comfortable silence for a while, and I started humming.

"...You like to sing?"

"I love it. Music is really important."

"Yeah. I sing too, sometimes, you know."

"Really?"

"Y-Yeah..." he suddenly seemed nervous. "Um..."

"...What is it?"

"I was... I was wondering... Would you like to try singing a duet?"

"A duet." I repeated in disbelief. "Are you sure? My singing skills aren't really... top-notch."

"Are you serious? I already told you, I heard you sing. You were good enough that it made me want to talk to you."

"So that's why you wanted to talk to me. So we could do a duet."

"Not just because of that... I think that anybody who can sing lyrics with such passion must have a good heart."

My face felt warm. "...Well, I guess I'll try. Um... if you don't know this song, just stop me, okay?" Sora nodded eagerly. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, before letting the notes loose.

_All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop.  
Oh, baby, tell me, why'd you have to go?  
Cause this pain I feel, it won't go away  
And today I'm officially missing you.  
I thought that from this heartache I could escape,  
But I fronted long enough to know there ain't no way.  
And today I'm officially missing you. _

At this point I squinted one eye open, realizing that I had squeezed my eyes shut at some point during the song. A smile was split across Sora's face as he joined me for the chorus.

_Oh can't nobody do it like you  
Said every little thing you do.  
Hey, baby, say it stays on my mind,  
And I, I'm officially_

Relieved that Sora knew the song, I dropped out and let him sing the second verse, only occasionally popping in to sing alto.

_All I do is lay around.  
Two years full tears  
From looking at your face on the wall.  
Just a week ago you were my baby,  
Now I don't even know you.  
I don't know you at all.  
Well, I wish that you would call me right now  
So that I could get through to you somehow.  
But I guess it's safe to say, baby, it's safe to say  
That I'm officially missing you._

Our voices blended together to repeat the chorus, his tenor mixing splendidly with my soprano. My chest was swelling with emotion, and from the expression on Sora's face, I could tell that he was feeling the same.

_Well I thought I could just get over you, baby,  
But I see that's something I just can't do.  
From the way you would hold me  
To the sweet things you told me.  
I just can't find a way to let go of you._

_It's official.  
You know that I'm missing you.  
Yeah, yes,  
All I hear is raindrops  
And I'm officially missing you._

After our first meeting, Sora began showing up every day. Each day we sang, we laughed, we talked.

"Sora, what are your parents like?"

"They're alright. Normal parents, I guess."

"Sora, why don't I ever see you in the cafeteria during lunch?"

"I like to eat on the rooftop instead. It's quieter."

"Sora, have you always lived here?"

"Pretty much. We moved once a few years ago, but our new house wasn't far from our old one."

"Sora, what do you think of the rain?"

"It's pretty. But it's too noisy. I prefer sunny days."

"Sora, why don't you have any other friends?"

"Dunno. Nobody else caught my attention like you did."

"Sora, can I eat lunch with you on the rooftop one day?"

"Sure. Come alone, though. I don't want anyone else to start showing up there."

"Sora, I think I love you."

"I love you too, Kairi."

Our days continued on, and eventually sixth grade ended. That summer was awful, because I couldn't see Sora. But as soon as seventh grade began, we went straight back into our regular routine.

"Sora, I think my mom is here."

"Ugh. Surprisingly, I wish we could stay in school forever. It's better together."

"I know! Maybe if you could come to my house, though... Sora, come with me."

I grabbed his hand, and brought him with me to my mom's car.

"Mom!" I panted, not letting go of Sora's hand. "I know how protective you are of me, so I didn't get the nerve to introduce him until now..." I smiled at the boy next to me, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. He looked scared. "But, this is Sora. He's my... best friend." My mom looked at Sora, her forehead creasing in worry. "No, no- don't worry!" I reassured her. "I swear he's a great guy. I've known him for almost a year now, mom, if he wanted to do anything bad he would have tried it by now."

My mom was silent for another moment. Finally, she smiled. She just smiled. She didn't acknowledge the boy next to me at all. She just climbed back into the car, and told me to get in. There was a sort of urgency to her tone that grinded on my nerves. I turned back to Sora, who had stayed silent the whole time, and assured him that my mom was not usually this rude. I promised to see him tomorrow, then stepped into the car. My mom drove away from the school a bit faster than she should have.

"Mom... what's your problem?" I snapped. My parents were always good to me, they were caring and understanding and fun. "Can't you just trust my judgment this time? I swear, Sora's not... evil, or whatever you're thinking!"

My mom's grip on the steering wheel tightened. "I had a feeling something like this was happening."

"I'm telling you, it's not such a big deal. It was bound to happen at some point... Mom, please just hear what I'm saying."

"I... I hear you, Kairi. I do. I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry."

The rest of the drive was silent.

At the time, I thought that that was the last of the conversation about Sora.

A few weeks later, however, the topic was back.

"Kairi, I'm going to need you to stop seeing that boy."

"What?"

"Please. He just... You need him out of your life. He is not good for you."

"You're wrong."

"Kairi..."

"No, I don't want to hear it, mom!"

"Kairi, don't talk to your mother that way."

"I'm sorry, dad. But I know what I'm saying. I know what is and is not good for me."

"Kairi. You are forbidden from seeing that boy."

"No. No, I'm not! Dad, you don't understand..."

"You haven't even been taking care of yourself lately... Your hair's a mess. When's the last time you showered?"

"I... don't know. But, that's not such a problem."

"You haven't been active lately, either..."

"That's not because of him! I'll start exercising if that's what it takes! Look, mom, dad, Sora is so important to me! He's the only one who has been there for me at school! I'm not getting bullied or anything, but I feel so.. distant from everyone else. I swear, they... None of them actually like me. They're just being nice. It's like, I don't know, a huge plan between all of them. Be nice to me, and then hurt me somehow. That's their game, I'm sure of it. I'm not safe with them, but I'm safe with Sora."

My parents stared at me, concern present in their faces. I kept my head high, defiant. At last they gave up, dispersing to different rooms of the house.

For a few more weeks, my days progressed as normal. But then my mom, one day, handed me a bottle of pills. "Kairi, your father and I are so, so sorry for trying to force you to end your friendship with Sora. We should not have done that... If he makes you happy, he makes you happy." she offered me a smile, which I returned in relief. "These pills will make you feel less nervous around your classmates. It's anxiety medication, and I'm certain they will make you feel like a new woman."

"Anxiety...?" I realized how much sense it made. Tons of teens my age were depressed or anxious, I was lucky to just have the latter of the two. I nodded at my mom. "Okay."

"You just take four of these pills each day." I looked at her in disbelief, and she shrugged. "It's worth it, trust me."

The next day, I had to admit I felt... a bit better, under the pills' effects. As I approached Sora after school, I noticed that he looked a little sad. His smile didn't have his usual honestly behind it.

"Sora, my mom gave me these pills yesterday... They're supposed to help my anxiety." I smiled at him, and he smiled back, but I think that was the first time that his smile did not shine brighter than my own.

As time marched onward, I started opening up more to my classmates. I didn't feel as if my anxiety was cured, but I wasn't quite as suspicious of everyone. Ever since that day, Sora has been his normal self once again. I never did ask why he seemed so down that day. I assumed it was better to not bring it up.

"Kairi, how are you feeling today?"

"Great, honestly. These pills really are working."

"That's great... It's good that you're making other friends, too."

"You're still number one."

"I'd hope so."

"Sora, I still love you."

"... I can't believe how long it's been since we said that to each other."

"We should say it more often."

"... Kairi, after school tomorrow, can you come up to the rooftop instead of coming here?"

"Hn? Oh, uh, sure. I guess so."

"Great."

And I did as he requested. We sang, and it was as if our words echoed through the trees, as if they were being brought up to the heavens and what was brought back was ten times as lovely.

"Kairi, uh.." Sora seemed nervous. I noticed a faint red tint to his ears. "Do you have your cell phone on you?"

"Of course."

"Can you... give your parents a call?" he gulped, avoiding my gaze. I grinned. "And, uh... tell them you're staying at a friend's house? I want... to stay with you here tonight."

I called right away. My dad seemed a bit worried about me staying out with someone he didn't know, but I promised to stay safe.

That night, on the roof of the school, we didn't kiss. We didn't do anything that you would expect two lovestruck teenagers to do.

We sang and enraptured the stars in our harmonies, and I swear, in the light of the moon, Sora looked like a star himself. My own star, brought down from the glistening galaxies just to fall in love with me. His blue eyes were almost unreal, the way they glowed in the dim light. Each note that we sang swelled with emotion, my emotion, his emotion, our emotion.

He told me how beautiful he thought I was through his lyrics, I wiped the passionate tears from his face and sang my love. It was as if our voices were made to combine, mix, blend in the heat of this moment. The stars have never seemed brighter than they were at that moment. The moon drifted still in the sky, keeping watch but not intruding, lulled to its own slumber by our intertwining music.

By the time it ended, we were both breathless, and we both knew that the words we just heard come from each other's mouths could not even begin to measure the depth of our love for each other.

We stayed up and talked for a while longer, talking about the past and present and mostly about the future. We talked about growing up together, graduating together, having a house together.

I fell asleep to Sora saying "I love you", a phrase that he repeated throughout the entire night, filling my entire bloodstream with happiness. I almost expected him to still be repeating it when I woke up.

But he wasn't there when I woke up. Sora was gone, without a single warning, as if he truly was a star that just disappeared in the night.

The next Monday at school, I planned to have a talk with him about what had happened. Why did he leave? Why didn't he at least warn me? I spent the entire morning looking for him, until I finally asked my parents to pick me up. They seemed to know who I spent the night with, and disapproval was painted across their faces, but they didn't say anything about it.

But Sora wasn't waiting for me on the bench. He wasn't there the next day, or the next, or the next.

Sora was gone. As suddenly as he had arrived, he had disappeared without a trace.

I had no choice but to live without him. But every day after school, I would wait on the bench, singing and hoping for his voice to suddenly merge with mine.

When I graduated from junior high and became a freshman, I stopped singing completely. I spent freshman year with new friends, but my emotions toward them could never match those of the spiky-haired boy who now seemed like nothing but a dream.

But I knew it was more than a dream. He was real.

In my freshman year, my depression got worse. I stopped caring for myself.

Sophomore year, I decided "fuck it" and threw away all my anxiety medication. I couldn't care enough about myself to continue taking them.

That's the thing about girls made of stone. When left in heat for too long, even the hardest rock can melt.

* * *

where did you come from where did you go

where did you come from cotton eyed sora

i haven't tried writing anything since 2011 i think, and i realized that i should probably write something to prevent myself from getting too rusty

thank goodness my excitement for kh3 fueled me into action

this took me like 2 and a half hours unfortunately, but i'm just glad that the exposition is done

now that the introduction is done, i can move onto the meat of this story, finally

this turned out to seem a lot more romance-centric than i meant for it to be. in the long run, the story won't be this focused on that. i hope it wasn't too boring or anything, i'm mainly sorry about the pacing. it probably seems to be moving way too quickly. sorry

but yeah i might update this one day

thanks for reading!

9 pages/3,378 words

i do not own these characters or kingdom hearts. the song that they sang, Officially Missing You, is by Tamia.


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